Losing Indie

The experience of death
creates a new fascination for life.

Slowly, I let it trickle back in —
the Sun’s playful light —
dancing leaves on my wall.

Now her spirit is everywhere.
I start to feel into that
as I watch the tiny flecks
of dust dance and sparkle in the light.

I’m not ready to fully open.
My mind still wants her here,
wants a do-over,
for all the times I walked past her,
forgetful of the way her tri-colored pattern
nestled perfectly in my heart.

And yet I trust
in the divine arrangement,
how she came to me when I needed her most
and carried me through my most vulnerable time.

As her body failed,
she pulled away slowly,
gently,
creating a distance
that grew over time
and allowed us the space to let go.

Now I await the next phase
when I can feel her everywhere –
to feel her protection
in the hawk that watches over the changing fields
as we drive in for another day.

It’s all so heartbreakingly beautiful
yet,
stark and impersonal
without the softness of her presence.

— Mariah